This office has been provided by the Shadows' Bureau of Good Relations in an attempt to counter the increasing level of malicious anti-Shadows propoganda that is being peddled by certain misinformed individuals aboard that infamous den of debauchery, the Babylon 5 station.
This page isn't quite finished at the moment because we have been too busy doing nice things to get it all done yet.
GALAXY HORRIFIED BY BOMB ATTACK: All sentient life is reeling in shock after an as-yet unidentified group of insane fascist suicide-bombers piloted a big nasty bomb into the middle of a Shadow birthday party and detonated it, mindlessly slaughtering thousands of innocent Shadow children who had, up until then, been merrily eating strawberry ice-cream and playing musical chairs. A large portion of the Shadows' Fun Palace on our home-world, Z'Ha'Dum, was destroyed.
Amongst the dead and dying youths was the Shadow President's son, who's birthday was been celebrated. The President, who was seriously injured when he shielded several babies with his own body, released this statement after the blast: "The whole Galaxy will mourn with us over the loss of these tiny children. We must identify and locate the evil ring-leaders who masterminded this vile act, so that we can help them to see the extent of their wrong-doing. Of course, we must not harm them, as we forgive them their sins and hope that they can be encouraged to repent." The President, holding the burnt and battered body of his 4 year old son, then wept for the many lives lost. He later helped others remove the bodies and eat them - as a sign of respect.
The Shadows' Ministry of Justice is appealing to all good souls throughout the cosmos to come forward with any information that could lead to the tracking-down of the vicious gang of thugs responsible for this heinous crime.
AUTUMN SPECIAL: Pledge your race's military resources to our peace-keeping force (*) before the end of November and receive a free half-year subsciption to 'Dark Forces', which is "the Cool Magazine that Keeps YOU Informed of Shadow Heroics". Apply before 1st. November and also receive a limited edition, very fetching hand-sewn (claw-sewn?) crimsom hair-bow, as modelled in this office (see Shadow Romance section below).
* Application subject to technological level. No monkeys, please.
Many successfully re-educated individuals have entered and left this office, secure in the knowledge that the noble Shadows are doing their utmost to safeguard peace and harmony throughout the galaxy. You may now view a selection of the Visitors' Comments that some of these now-happy beings have made.
You too can grow to really like us Shadows. Simply absorb the currently available facts....
We Shadows are not ones to bear grudges, so despite the ludicrously libellous remarks that have been directed at us, we will continue to strive for friendly and productive relationships with all other races, even the nasty ones. Some Galactic gossips have gone as far as insinuating that we might even be aggressive or violent. This is simply silly, as is proved by this picture of our most violent citizen.
Some people have sent mail to our Bureau of Good Relations telling us that we must be bad because they cannot see us. Ha! They have been caught out by their own wickedness! We are only invisible to very, very bad people, such as the sort of person who would rip a little girl's leg off and beat her over the head with it. We do not like such individuals, but naturally we forgive them because we are so nice.
How can space ships as beautiful as ours pose any threat to fun-loving beings? Click Here to feast your eyes on one of our lovely, sleek vessels. Now then, how could such a friendly-looking craft be used to attack any persons unless those persons were being very naughty? Of course, it couldn't! These vigilant ships are sent out by the Shadows' Ministry of Public Safety to safeguard peace throughout the galaxy. Here, you can see one of our acclaimed Peace-Platforms watching out for cosmic villains, such as This rust-bucket, which is known by the authorities to be a baby-kidnapper's get-away ship.
In reality, everybody knows that the Shadows are O.K. When not saving the Galaxy from evil-doers, Shadows like nothing more than playing educational video games or reading love poetry. Our Envoys of Fun can be found throughout known space, and are always available to suggest a good party trick to any passing miserable being. You can see Here that, behind the scenes, we all get on just fine! The simple reason for all of the ill-feeling towards us is that the other races are jealous of the Shadows' unrivaled charm and good looks, so they tell everyone that the Shadows are not very nice.
The Shadows still get invited to the best parties, though.
The entire Galaxy marvels at the wonders of Shadow technology. Our scientists and inventors are the brainiest in the cosmos. It was one of our research teams that came up with the legendary design for the Clarko-Cola bottle!
In the light of the recent terrible assaults that bloodthirsty cut-throats have carried out on our defenseless exploration vessels, we have been forced to turn a blind eye to our placid natures and develop new weapons systems so that we can ward off unruly space-bandits. Top Shadow academics have worked around the clock in order to produce an array of Fearsome Arms.
Of course, we will continue to further advance our work in non-aggressive technologies. With the aid of super-powerful Kronikk Bismarck computers, supplied by the Earth-based I.B.M., we have almost completed the development of our Personal Shadow Transporter device.
Although we may try to conceal our more sensitive side, we Shadows cannot deny that we are major players when it comes to matters of love. Our females are worshipped by their suitors for their great beauty, and Shadow males spend more per being on milk chocolates and flowers than any other race in the Galaxy. Here, a love-struck youth enjoys a romantic forest walk with its beloved mate.
It is common in the early stages of courting for a Shadow male to regularly serenade the object of its passion. Click Here to download or hear a typical example of such a serenade; have a tissue ready - you are sure to be moved by the beauty and sincerity of the heart-felt music!
Many beings believe that us Shadows never wear any clothes. Wrong! This misconception is probably due to the fact that the majority of our Ambassadors, who constitute the majority of Shadows who travel the cosmos, are males, who wear invisible trench-coats. Any female ambassadors who visit other races leave their fine garments in their ships so that they won't get damaged on dirty alien planets or space stations. There are in fact a wide variety of Shadow clothing styles. An example of one of the most endearing dress traditions is the patterned, 'poncho'-like outfits preffered by well-to-do Shadow Ladies, such as This distinguished Dame, relaxing in her country home. Some Shadows are dedicated followers of fashion, like These two females leaving home to set off for a Ball in their very chic, haute couture hats. There is, of course, no truth in the ridiculous rumour that Shadow garments are made from strips of alien skin.
Due to our need to express our feelings and emotions as often as possible, most of us Shadows are keen artists. We have in our society many cosmically renowned painters; one of our most critically acclaimed works is This piece of symbolic art.
In addition to serious artistic ventures, we also produce our fair share of lighter-hearted works. Our comical humourists keep the Galaxy in stitches with pieces like the hilarious Ode to Fools, and This charmingly witty and rather lifelike sketch of two of the ugliest persons in all of known space. Ho Ho Ho!
The naive races that oppose us do not realize the extent of our intelligence network. We Shadows have inserted top operatives into just about every major decision-making group in the Galaxy. These vigilant, hard working agents have, over the years, provided us with overwhelming evidence that the self-appointed ring-leaders of the vicious anti-Shadows hate gangs are only trying to turn others against us because they are desperate to conceal their own true natures. One of the finest scoops that any of our secret agents has produced is the Proof that the enigmatic and seemingly noble Vorlons are in fact nothing more than foolish animated figures. (The above picture is courtesy of our operative on the offical Warner Brothers #babylon5 IRC channel. Well done that man!)
We are currently compiling a dossier on every major race that rejects the peaceful co-existance that the Shadows are striving for. If you belong to such a group, be advised that we know where you are, and we will have to have a jolly-good talk with you very soon.
We Shadows like to help others whenever we can. There are many examples of times when we have taken an interest in the exploits of other races., not least of which being our invlovement with the Humans and Earth. We present here for your perusal a selection of breif accounts of how we have assisted Earth people in various fields of endeavour. We are proud of our role as Galactic nurse-maids to the younger, less experienced races, and any help that we can give them makes us very happy.
The Shadows were very proud to be accepted as official co-sponsors of the 2260 Olympic Games, held on New Long Island on Earth. Together with the other major sponsor, Clarko - Cola, we have made this Olympic festival the most spectacular in over three and a half centuries of the new games. We were also pleased to be able to provide effective security for the two week event in the form of several of our Neighbourhood Watch Vessels, as well as a substantial number of beings on the ground.
Contrary to the beliefs of certain would-be trouble-makers, the Shadows welcome the company of other beings in space. We have often took the time to help other civilizations, including Earthlings, in their quest for the stars. When one of our travelling ice-cream salesbeings chanced upon a primitive Earth vehicle which was stuck in a small, dusty crater, it didn't hesitate to land, get out of its ship and help the stricken astronaut to push the buggy out of the dirt. Its colleague took This picture of the rescue, in which the pilot of our ice-cream ship can be seen giving directions in the background. Once freed, the astronaut was able to go on his way, but not before he was given complimentary strawberry ice-lollies for him and his crew!
In our never-ending quest to advance scientific and technical knowledge throughout the cosmos, we are always on the look out for ways in which we can help other races to carry out their scientific research. Sometimes, a financial contribution from our Ministry of Galactic Philanthropy is sufficient, but at other times more direct involvement on our part is requested, such as in This case, where several of our mobile laboratories, staffed by some of our top boffins, prepared to observe a weather balloon released by a bearded Earthman.
Of course, scientific research and pure knowledge is meaningless unless applied to the actual construction of something tangible. The Shadows will never turn down a request for help if they are asked to build something useful. Even the most menial tasks are worthy if they result in the production of something good, such as in This instance, where one of us held up a stick to enable a Human to make accurate measurements, thus playing a very small part in the construction of a new road, which was then used to bring urgently needed food and medicine to hundreds of Human women and children! Taking part in such a worthy project - even such an insignificant part - gives all of us Shadows that warm glow inside that you only get when you know that you have achieved something Good.
Although we are more than happy to help other, less gifted races in every way that we can, we strongly believe that the best long-term help is to teach others to help themselves. There are many occasions in Earth's past when we Shadows have done just that: helped Mankind to help itself. Here are some examples:
When the food shortages on Earth became critical during the early 21st century, we helped to establish the first Soylent Green processing facilities in 2023, inspired by that old Human saying, "waste not - want not".
Since the earliest days of Earth's Psi-Corps, we have offered free psychiatric help and a loving home to any and all telepaths who feel in any way unhappy with their lives in the Corps. We continue to this day to run our popular rehabilitation program, relocating disturbed telepaths on Shadow worlds, where they can forget about all of their old Earth-based problems and begin new, fulfilled lives working with us to bring peace to all.
As the Third World War raged on Earth, we supplied both sides with the effective biological weapons that brought the cease-fire sooner than anyone could have thought possible.
When first contact with the ignoble & devious Minbari was imminent, the Shadows' Ministy of Public Safety despatched a representative to Earth to forwarn the government of the Minbari's record of conquering and then enslaving friendly races. Thanks to our warning, the first Earth vessel to encounter a Minbari Death-Ship was able to get off the first shot before the evil bone-headed creatures could ambush the heroic Earth-Force crew.
As aerosol products grew in popularity during the latter half of the 20th. century, Human scientists looked for a suitable compound to use to fill the pressurised containers. The Shadows' Institute of Ecological Stability provided Earth with the formulae of several easily produced CFC chemicals.
Disgusted by violence on Earth's television, Shadow philanthropists funded the creation of the beloved, and widely praised PBS children's show 'Barney and Friends'.
(Note: perhaps only our friends in America will understand the significance of this example. We certainly do not!)
To help to increase Earth's woefully inadequate defensive military capability, the Shadows' Ministy of Public Safety provided one of Earth's best-known leaders with a nifty little system which he called the "V1 Rocket".
Many other such examples are stored in our archives, and we will make more of them available for viewing here whenever we have the time.
Many previous visitors to this office have asked us to say a few words about those long-suffering Shadows which can't help but be 'groupies' to our most charismatic ambassador, Mr. Morden. These fanatical individuals just adore our cheery liason, and simply cannot bear the thought of being separated from him for more than a moment. They follow him wherever he goes, providing him with note-paper and Guinness whenever he happens to need it - and they love every minute of it! They get a real kick out of seeing him convince other races of the virtue of joining our campaign for peace, although they are prone to getting quite annoyed when violent, barbarous aliens needlessly threaten his most friendly person. They pester Mr. Morden constantly for his autograph, but he always dismisses their requests with a wry smile; You see, he lnows that none of them can read!
Of course, these vigilant guardians are not glued to Mr. Morden's side; occasionally, they take a break, sharing a few bottles of ale with their beer-guzzling friends on backwards worlds in cosy taverns such as This one.
The above evidence is overwhelming, but there is a practically unlimited quantity of extra material that we have not yet had time to bring to this Office. Please bear with us; keeping the galaxy peaceful and pure is a full-time job, even for us Shadows! However, the evidence offered above is sufficient to demonstrate that we peaceful Shadows are a noble and gracious race - trully a benefit to the galaxy in which we all live. After all, we only seek to improve the quality of life for all species.
